Last day of training

Last day of training – hard to believe. Tomorrow is just presentation of Suzuki and Viewpoints for whoever wants to watch. Ellen started us off with Suzuki today – some great specific work on a handful of movements. She called me out for two things that I should have fixed by now, but haven’t. My right arm swings occasionally when it should be still and I really have no image, no fire to draw on for the arms in basic 2. Looks like I’m wearing oven mitts – I think she said. She is absolutely right. I spent the better part of the day thinking why – I’ll address it in a bit.

Viewpoints was great to get back into one of the studios after the awkwardness of the stage. We hadn’t forgotten everything, but just seemed to lose it in that cavernous space of the theatre. Some lovely moments – things I hadn’t seen in a while. After lunch Barney took us through some basic slow Suzuki moves and a few old school things. His energy is so wonderful. He was away with family for a while so it was nice to have him back. The session was split between Suzuki and Viewpoints – which was nice. Working open Viewpoints I’m not sure I could explain what was running through my mind – but will try – but it caused me to do like angry Viewpoints – which I feel comes off as far too selfish. I worked through whatever was coursing through my body and then finally settled down and actually got some work done.

What I am processing at this point is my relationship with this material. Part of the reason I suspect that Ellen was right is that for the past few days I have just not been connecting with the material. I know I wanted to come here to experience this training – partly as a scholar and partly as a performer and partly as a teacher. What I need to sort out is what that means. As an academic exercise this training would be as hollow as any other dogma. But beyond that what I really need to sort out is what my relationship is to the theatre. This is a question that actually chokes me up, gives me pause, brings me to tears – whatever metaphor works on whatever day.

THEATRE -  It is part of how I define myself, something that continues to fascinate me, but something I am doing very little about developing at this point in my life.  I am fascinated by the SITI company that have devoted their lives to this idea. Me – I’ve spent a lot of time reading and doing lighting, but little else. So, I wonder what the next step is for me. To continue this training and not use it makes no sense. It’s not a replacement for biking or the gym. It needs a real commitment beyond just the physical. I’m just not sure what that means. At one point in time I would have defined myself as an actor – that time has long since passed. I recognize that as a performer I can function at a fairly high level without actually giving any of my self away. But, as an actor, that is not possible. So, where does that leave me? I’m not sure. So, I am back to needing to sort out my relationship with the theatre before I can answer the question of the training.

As triage on the performance tonight – great to see others perform, but, thinking about my own performance, I fucked up the first line and then fucked up another one. I can live with both mistakes, but realize that my level of dedication and skill are extremely low. I have been impressed with the level others seem to engage in. But, lots of hanging out in the lobby after the performance, which always smacks a bit of “tell me I did a good job.” It’s an honest thought, but not one I want to engage in. I know what went well, and I know what I screwed up. 

So, this is what is riffling through my head – how do I sustain the interest and the passion I had in the theatre at 18 when a whole series of life choices stand between me and my 18 year old self? Job, bills, responsibilities, etc, at what point does art matter? That doesn’t minimize the commitment to the other elements, but when do I make choice that produces something I can point to and say – YES – this is what I wanted to put on the Earth, and not – this is what I do to pay bills and put my kid through school? It is not as simple as that, but it’s not too far off.

And – just a side note to round out the evening – I have always imagined I would be at a party and a guitar would fall in my hands and I would wow people and they would all sing along with whatever I played. But, the reality is that I never would imagine I had had that much to drink, or that the pick would be that weak, or that I wouldn’t have my own guitar, or that I wouldn’t have had days of practice beforehand. Yea. The fantasy VS the reality.