Post post

A long car ride does provide some thinking space to begin to sum up an experience. It provides time to decompress and reflect on – well – many many things. I’m struck by how trajectories in life move in such different directions. I suppose part of what I enjoyed about telling people why I was in the workshop this summer was that my story included most of these folks twenty-five years ago. It’s an origin story of sorts since Leon told me that it was the tour in 91 with Suzuki where they started to shape the ideas that would eventually become the SITI Company. So, I was basically an innocent by-stander at ground zero when this wonderful group of artists started to pull together and imagine a future that would last an extraordinarily long time. What is compelling to me about this is that I knew they were engaged in something unique, but at the time I couldn’t quite see what that meant. To have passed through that universe in a mostly oblivious state seems, in retrospect, kind of silly. They were poised for a remarkable journey that I sort of saw them gearing up for but didn’t recognize. It’s not a journey I think I could have gone on, I had other journeys to make, but it does cause me to think about where I am now and where I am headed.

For the majority of my 20s, 30s, and beginning of my 40s I felt driven toward something. I’m not sure what, but stasis seemed the wrong choice. It is that feeling that got me through undergrad and two grad programs as well as pursuing a variety of teaching jobs. At some point in my 40s that drive began to change, I began to feel like all of my choices had added up to something, even if I couldn’t define what that something was. Pursuing degrees in acting, design, and theory and crit exposed me to a wide range of ideas and helped to foment some rather specific ideas on the type of art I like to absorb and create. Now in my early 50s I’m wondering about drive again. I chased after the theatre, but administrative work sort of found me. It would be simple to just plateau and ride out the next decade or so exactly where I am. Why not, I worked hard to get here shouldn’t I enjoy executing a job I have mostly sorted out?

But then I think about what I saw in the SITI Company this past month. They built this beautiful system that allows them to continue to question and change and explore. It is a company founded with no shared aesthetic or style, but rather a set of shared values. Their motto, of sorts, “do one, teach one, learn one” keeps them engaged in production, passing on information, and absorbing new ideas. They are some of the most brilliant and humble teachers I have ever met. In paying my respects on the final day I said a version of the same thing to each teacher – you get to change 60 lives every summer – not one agreed or bragged or basked in that statement – they all deferred. It was beautiful. So, the training I received this past month is something I will continue to wrestle with, but the example of what to do with a lifetime is perhaps more powerful. That our paths crossed for a brief moment decades ago and then diverged is part of how lifetimes operate. At 26 I couldn’t see where they were headed, but having crossed paths again with Ellen and Will and Kelly and Leon I’m not sure that I am content to ignore their example this time around. I pose the same question I did yesterday - How do I reach toward this beautiful, wonderful energy and sustain it in my life?

And then it was over

Wow – last day – as expected – bitter sweet. This entire week it has felt like this needs to be over. All of us miss family, miss home, miss – well not having to get up to stomp every morning. So the timing on the workshop was just right – another week would be too long. One less would be too short. Watching people I have grown to know over this month on stage this morning creating some beautiful, funny, sad, lively work through Viewpoints was just delightful. Anne created combinations that included some people we have not worked with all summer – so there was a new dynamic at play. The addition of the lights orchestrated by Bondo and then Leon were wonderful – great new element to play with. As we have had this past week – the addition of the musicians made for some beautiful moments.

Suzuki in the afternoon was not quite what I expected. Since we were presenting to whoever showed up to watch I thought that they might keep it simple to, you know, let us show off what we had learned. Nope. Ellen immediately started throwing stuff at us that we were unfamiliar with and had to navigate on the spot. As she has said a number of times – her job is to keep us off balance – to fuck us up. That she did. That she did. Ellen is really such a wonderful teacher. She initially comes off as very hard and cold, but once you get past that there is someone who care very deeply about what she communicates and what we learn. I can’t speak for all of the teachers here this summer, but I spent a fair amount of time studying how each of the instructors approach the material.

The final performances were great to watch – but for those of us who performed yesterday the feeling was that things had already kind of ended. Strike was fun – I really do like to do lighting stuff, as was the party. I am writing this between the part and the after party with the hope of getting to bed at a decent hour. But there are people to talk to and say goodbye to – so I will head over for a bit.

I have no idea what happens next. No idea what will stick with this training and what won’t. I made a point of talking with each of the instructors tonight and letting them know how grateful I was for their energy and wisdom. They change 60 lives every summer. Not a bad gig to have. Not everyone embraces the training and not everyone gets something out of this, but the experience of living and working with all of these amazing folks has to have an impact in some way. My task at this point is to spend the 12-hour ride home thinking about what to do next. How do I reach toward this beautiful, wonderful energy and sustain it in my life? That is a tough question to answer.

Last day of training

Last day of training – hard to believe. Tomorrow is just presentation of Suzuki and Viewpoints for whoever wants to watch. Ellen started us off with Suzuki today – some great specific work on a handful of movements. She called me out for two things that I should have fixed by now, but haven’t. My right arm swings occasionally when it should be still and I really have no image, no fire to draw on for the arms in basic 2. Looks like I’m wearing oven mitts – I think she said. She is absolutely right. I spent the better part of the day thinking why – I’ll address it in a bit.

Viewpoints was great to get back into one of the studios after the awkwardness of the stage. We hadn’t forgotten everything, but just seemed to lose it in that cavernous space of the theatre. Some lovely moments – things I hadn’t seen in a while. After lunch Barney took us through some basic slow Suzuki moves and a few old school things. His energy is so wonderful. He was away with family for a while so it was nice to have him back. The session was split between Suzuki and Viewpoints – which was nice. Working open Viewpoints I’m not sure I could explain what was running through my mind – but will try – but it caused me to do like angry Viewpoints – which I feel comes off as far too selfish. I worked through whatever was coursing through my body and then finally settled down and actually got some work done.

What I am processing at this point is my relationship with this material. Part of the reason I suspect that Ellen was right is that for the past few days I have just not been connecting with the material. I know I wanted to come here to experience this training – partly as a scholar and partly as a performer and partly as a teacher. What I need to sort out is what that means. As an academic exercise this training would be as hollow as any other dogma. But beyond that what I really need to sort out is what my relationship is to the theatre. This is a question that actually chokes me up, gives me pause, brings me to tears – whatever metaphor works on whatever day.

THEATRE -  It is part of how I define myself, something that continues to fascinate me, but something I am doing very little about developing at this point in my life.  I am fascinated by the SITI company that have devoted their lives to this idea. Me – I’ve spent a lot of time reading and doing lighting, but little else. So, I wonder what the next step is for me. To continue this training and not use it makes no sense. It’s not a replacement for biking or the gym. It needs a real commitment beyond just the physical. I’m just not sure what that means. At one point in time I would have defined myself as an actor – that time has long since passed. I recognize that as a performer I can function at a fairly high level without actually giving any of my self away. But, as an actor, that is not possible. So, where does that leave me? I’m not sure. So, I am back to needing to sort out my relationship with the theatre before I can answer the question of the training.

As triage on the performance tonight – great to see others perform, but, thinking about my own performance, I fucked up the first line and then fucked up another one. I can live with both mistakes, but realize that my level of dedication and skill are extremely low. I have been impressed with the level others seem to engage in. But, lots of hanging out in the lobby after the performance, which always smacks a bit of “tell me I did a good job.” It’s an honest thought, but not one I want to engage in. I know what went well, and I know what I screwed up. 

So, this is what is riffling through my head – how do I sustain the interest and the passion I had in the theatre at 18 when a whole series of life choices stand between me and my 18 year old self? Job, bills, responsibilities, etc, at what point does art matter? That doesn’t minimize the commitment to the other elements, but when do I make choice that produces something I can point to and say – YES – this is what I wanted to put on the Earth, and not – this is what I do to pay bills and put my kid through school? It is not as simple as that, but it’s not too far off.

And – just a side note to round out the evening – I have always imagined I would be at a party and a guitar would fall in my hands and I would wow people and they would all sing along with whatever I played. But, the reality is that I never would imagine I had had that much to drink, or that the pick would be that weak, or that I wouldn’t have my own guitar, or that I wouldn’t have had days of practice beforehand. Yea. The fantasy VS the reality.

Yes - we are winding down

It really does feel like we are starting to wind down. Partly this is because the energy level has been extremely high for weeks. The other reason is that we have reached the point where most of the basic vocabulary for both Suzuki and Viewpoints is in our bodies. So, what better way to disrupt that than change venues. Tom led Viewpoints today, which was largely built around a series of gestures associated with a chair and filtered through dialogue from Pinter’s The Lover. We broke into groups of two to stage seven movements around a chair. Groups were added together to create a new dynamic. Tom’s explanation for how to use the Viewpoints material in connection to these pieces was great.

On to Suzuki in the theatre led by Steve. I’m not sure I realized how safe and comfortable the studio was until we started stomping on the stage. Far too much space to fill, but we have to fill it. The dynamic of stomping, falling, rising, and walking forward changes dramatically with such an open space. We went through all the basics 1-6 – including a series of walks single file across the stage. Kind of terrifying when you find yourself mostly alone center stage.

Ellen’s speaking class was great – as it has been each week. She has such wonderful advice and such a clear way of teaching. We reviewed what we had done in the past few weeks, and then stated in on some new stuff. A twist on basic 6 (which I cannot get through without fucking up) – where at one point we need to go backwards. The other new thing was a set of movements that used to be connected to the “Oh splendor of sunburst” speech. You start in the deep plié, speak the text while rising. Basic 3 B right, forward, left, forward, arm up behind ear straight up, basic 3 A to the right, feet together, plié saying the text down and up, left foot, forward, right foot forward, stomp right, plié with text and slow up. I should have jumped up to do it in a smaller group, but did not – which I regret. You are suppose to do it facing another performer and compete against them and draw strength from them. After that we had supplemental training – which had basically the same vibe as yesterday. I get that they are trying to have us work the Viewpoints in a different situation, but it kind of feels like we are filling time.

Rehearsal this evening went well – tech and run in the theatre. We kept tech very simple – which seemed to be the wise plan. The equipment is so dicey that I would never rely on it for anything complicated. Our run was a bit rushed and a bit of a train wreck, especially the end. We sent some time working specific moments, which improved a great deal. It will be interesting to see how the performance is received. I really do feel worn out and keeping focus for these last few days is tough. We perform tomorrow, so we may be able to relax a bit after that, but who knows.

Awareness is key

Long day today. We started with Suzuki and Bondo (Will), who really is, I think, everyone’s favorite Suzuki teacher, but he started to crack down a bit on how we execute the movements. He does it with humor and self-depreciation, but the message was clear – we have been doing the same movements for almost four weeks now. We should be improving, or at least actively working to correct certain issues. I completely get his point, but also know we have very little time to work on this outside of class. My hope in bringing this vocabulary home with me is to refine it, execute movements over and over and over to work towards a better awareness of where my balance is and what my center is doing. We did get to do Basic 1 twice today – which was great. But following it with Basic 2 (slow walk) I fucked up the placement of my feet on the turn and nearly lost my balance. Some of this is muscle memory, and some is just not having my concentration together.

Viewpoints was in the big theatre – which added a totally different vibe to it. Anne had us all write out three stage directions or things we would like to see and toss them in a hat. Groups of seven or eight pulled that number of prompts out and had to quickly weave them into something. As always, some lovely compositions appeared from this.

The afternoon was movement – which is actually a bit more fun than I would have thought. Warm up on the floor and move to rise to standing and walking and then just move – however the mood strikes us. Very liberating. Very freeing. Probably not considered dance by those who actually dance, but probably as close as I will get.

Late afternoon we had “supplemental training” – which amounted to somewhat structured Viewpoints in the theatre again, but without the prompts. The difference was Bondo and GM put a chair on stage – that seemed to change everything. As Bondo put it – most of the pieces seemed like situations rather than an exploration of space or time. Interesting that such a simple object could have such a profound affect.

Post dinner we rehearsed for the representation of our piece on Thursday. Kind of a tough process since the structure is sound, but we need to discover more tension and more specific moments within the structure. I think we were able to shape a few tonight and perhaps a few more tomorrow during tech. Emma continues to offer good observations and suggestions to shape those moments.

Ellen and J. Ed I had a wonderful conversation over dinner. I really do want to find a way to bring Ellen or any combination of the teachers to UNCSA for a short visit within a year or so. What they have to offer may or may not be well received there, but it is such strong and important work I believe our students should be exposed to it. The mixing of Suzuki and Viewpoints is such a strength for the SITI company. It has been great to reconnect with Ellen and Will after so many years. I remain in awe of their dedication and their collaboration. I reflected tonight on how lucky I was to get hired to run lights at Stagewest all those years ago. It’s hard to imagine never having had contact with this process. I recognize how privileged I have been to spend this time with this company.