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A long car ride does provide some thinking space to begin to sum up an experience. It provides time to decompress and reflect on – well – many many things. I’m struck by how trajectories in life move in such different directions. I suppose part of what I enjoyed about telling people why I was in the workshop this summer was that my story included most of these folks twenty-five years ago. It’s an origin story of sorts since Leon told me that it was the tour in 91 with Suzuki where they started to shape the ideas that would eventually become the SITI Company. So, I was basically an innocent by-stander at ground zero when this wonderful group of artists started to pull together and imagine a future that would last an extraordinarily long time. What is compelling to me about this is that I knew they were engaged in something unique, but at the time I couldn’t quite see what that meant. To have passed through that universe in a mostly oblivious state seems, in retrospect, kind of silly. They were poised for a remarkable journey that I sort of saw them gearing up for but didn’t recognize. It’s not a journey I think I could have gone on, I had other journeys to make, but it does cause me to think about where I am now and where I am headed.

For the majority of my 20s, 30s, and beginning of my 40s I felt driven toward something. I’m not sure what, but stasis seemed the wrong choice. It is that feeling that got me through undergrad and two grad programs as well as pursuing a variety of teaching jobs. At some point in my 40s that drive began to change, I began to feel like all of my choices had added up to something, even if I couldn’t define what that something was. Pursuing degrees in acting, design, and theory and crit exposed me to a wide range of ideas and helped to foment some rather specific ideas on the type of art I like to absorb and create. Now in my early 50s I’m wondering about drive again. I chased after the theatre, but administrative work sort of found me. It would be simple to just plateau and ride out the next decade or so exactly where I am. Why not, I worked hard to get here shouldn’t I enjoy executing a job I have mostly sorted out?

But then I think about what I saw in the SITI Company this past month. They built this beautiful system that allows them to continue to question and change and explore. It is a company founded with no shared aesthetic or style, but rather a set of shared values. Their motto, of sorts, “do one, teach one, learn one” keeps them engaged in production, passing on information, and absorbing new ideas. They are some of the most brilliant and humble teachers I have ever met. In paying my respects on the final day I said a version of the same thing to each teacher – you get to change 60 lives every summer – not one agreed or bragged or basked in that statement – they all deferred. It was beautiful. So, the training I received this past month is something I will continue to wrestle with, but the example of what to do with a lifetime is perhaps more powerful. That our paths crossed for a brief moment decades ago and then diverged is part of how lifetimes operate. At 26 I couldn’t see where they were headed, but having crossed paths again with Ellen and Will and Kelly and Leon I’m not sure that I am content to ignore their example this time around. I pose the same question I did yesterday - How do I reach toward this beautiful, wonderful energy and sustain it in my life?

And then it was over

Wow – last day – as expected – bitter sweet. This entire week it has felt like this needs to be over. All of us miss family, miss home, miss – well not having to get up to stomp every morning. So the timing on the workshop was just right – another week would be too long. One less would be too short. Watching people I have grown to know over this month on stage this morning creating some beautiful, funny, sad, lively work through Viewpoints was just delightful. Anne created combinations that included some people we have not worked with all summer – so there was a new dynamic at play. The addition of the lights orchestrated by Bondo and then Leon were wonderful – great new element to play with. As we have had this past week – the addition of the musicians made for some beautiful moments.

Suzuki in the afternoon was not quite what I expected. Since we were presenting to whoever showed up to watch I thought that they might keep it simple to, you know, let us show off what we had learned. Nope. Ellen immediately started throwing stuff at us that we were unfamiliar with and had to navigate on the spot. As she has said a number of times – her job is to keep us off balance – to fuck us up. That she did. That she did. Ellen is really such a wonderful teacher. She initially comes off as very hard and cold, but once you get past that there is someone who care very deeply about what she communicates and what we learn. I can’t speak for all of the teachers here this summer, but I spent a fair amount of time studying how each of the instructors approach the material.

The final performances were great to watch – but for those of us who performed yesterday the feeling was that things had already kind of ended. Strike was fun – I really do like to do lighting stuff, as was the party. I am writing this between the part and the after party with the hope of getting to bed at a decent hour. But there are people to talk to and say goodbye to – so I will head over for a bit.

I have no idea what happens next. No idea what will stick with this training and what won’t. I made a point of talking with each of the instructors tonight and letting them know how grateful I was for their energy and wisdom. They change 60 lives every summer. Not a bad gig to have. Not everyone embraces the training and not everyone gets something out of this, but the experience of living and working with all of these amazing folks has to have an impact in some way. My task at this point is to spend the 12-hour ride home thinking about what to do next. How do I reach toward this beautiful, wonderful energy and sustain it in my life? That is a tough question to answer.